NEW YORK – In a desperate bid to increase his ebbing notoriety, disgraced Tour de France cyclist Lance Armstrong has ridden his bike into famous antipodean film star Nicole Kidman

A spokesman for Stretch Armstrong – as he likes to be known – says that Kidman is just the first in what he hopes will be a celebrity bicycle blitz of epic proportions:

Lance has drawn up a long list of celebrities he’s been dying to ride over on his bike, including Ron Howard, Russell Crowe, Naomi Watts and Oprah Winfrey. It is only a matter of time before someone is going to get seriously hurt. Lance thinks it’s hilarious and win him back public sympathy. 

A witness to the incident said that Ms. Kidman was reeling with shock. Initially assuming that the incident was an assassination attempt on behalf of arch rival Jessica Chastain. But relief came later in the day when it was revealed that Ms. Chastain had been knocked over a few hours later by Mr. Armstong who had decided for the deuce.  

Donations to the Livestrong Foundation’s campaign ‘Lance Armstrong runs over 100 celebrities’ should be sent directly to the site. 

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