keith richards

HOLLYWOOD – As the Gathering approaches, sources reveal that the Kurgan is in the United States of America and is hunting Keith Richards.

Concerns have been raised following the news that the Kurgan is currently on the loose and hunting down Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards. Kurgan watchers in Russia noted his absence several months ago, but it was presumed that he was off on a shopping/killing spree.

‘Every now and then the Kurgan feels the itch and if he doesn’t surface in some war torn part of the world he’s usually at Harrods in London running up a massive credit card bill,’ said Kurgan watcher P.E. Stephens. ¬†However, when the Kurgan resurfaced once more he was no longer in Europe and rumors have it that he is on the trail of noted guitarist and Johnny Depp imitator Keith Richards.

Stephens continues:

It isn’t the best news in the world for Richards. The Kurgan is a formidable opponent and the recent death of Lord Byron, sorry you knew him I think as David Bowie, shows that something is happening with the Immortals and that usually signals the approach of the Gathering. The moment when the Immortals must come together and fight for the Prize, usually a record deal or a movie. I think this year it’s going to be a series on HBO.

However, fans of the grizzled rocker are keen to point that Keith has so far defeated all comers and stands a good chance against the Russian bruiser. Friend and bandmate Charlie Watts told the Studio Exec:

Keith don’t have nuffin to worry about. That Kurgan geezer? Keith¬†shits tougher shits than him every morning and flushes them away.

The Gathering will be televised on Fox in August.

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