Monday 30 November 2020
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HOLLYWOOD – Kirstie Alley and James Woods are to remake DW Griffith’s Birth of a Nation.

We talked to James Woods and Kirstie Alley about their planned remake of Birth of a Nation. 

So, Kirstie and James, thank you for agreeing to talk with us today:
Kirstie Alley (KA) – Who said that about us? Fake news!
James Woods (JW) – Yeah, that’s fuckin’ bullshit man!

We haven’t actually said anything yet:
KA – Ok, but just watch it, ok? Because we aint taking any of your liberal bullshit.
JW – Darn tootin’ Kirst. Virtual high five.

Anyway, can you tell us where you got the idea to remake The Birth Of A Nation? Isn’t that film about the Ku Klux Klan and didn’t it lead to the resurgence of the Klan and their racist ideology in America?
JW – It aint racist, because it has a load of black folks in it.


I’m pretty sure it is racist and most of those ‘black characters’ were white actors with their faces ‘blacked up’. Do you not find that problematic to say the least?
KA – Now look here… boy, you just wait a goddamn minute. Because you can’t come over here with your high fallutin’ talk and fancy science degrees spoutin’ off all kinda nonsense. That way decent folk don’t take kindly. Now where’d I put my AR-15?
JW – I think what Kirsty is trying to say is that we wanted to show that there were very fine people on both sides in that film. Bring it to a modern audience.

Who will you play?
KA – I’m gonna play Elsie Stoneman, she’s from some fag Union family up north. But it’s ok, she marries the good ol’ boy Ben Cameron, who’s a Confederate war hero.
JW – And I’m gonna play me the villain of the piece. You know, that evil minded sumbitch, Abraham Lincoln. Because I’m good at villains. And we gonna get Steve McQueen to direct it.

Steve McQueen? You’re sure about that?
KA & JW – Yep.

I’m not sure you have the right Steve McQueen:
KA – Sure we do, he’s the Cooler King, the Bullit, the god damned Papillon mother fucker.

The Steve McQueen you’re thinking of is dead. You might want to look them up on IMDB. I’ll send you a link:
JW – What the fuck you on about?
KA – What? But Scott Baio said…
JW – Why did you want to listen to that liberal pinko for, Kirsty? I told you he’s a crazy mofo, ever since Diagnosis Murder. Hang on, let me open up this link and… mother fucker. He aint no Cooler King. Hang on, he directed 12 Years A Slave, that sounds promising, let me just read what it’s abo… shit. It’s political correctness gone mad!
KA – I’m definitely gettin’ my AR-15. You just wait there boy.

Call terminated

Thankfully, The Birth Of A Nation has been shelved indefinitely.

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