KIEFER SUTHERLAND ARRESTED FOR TORTURE AND ILLEGAL KILLING
HOLLYWOOD- Film actor, Donald Sutherland son and all round furniture sitter on-er, Kiefer Sutherland was arrested today in Paris, France by Gendarmes serving an outstanding warrant from the International court of Human Rights in Brussels.
Sutherland had been relaxing in his hotel waiting for a journalist from the French Culture magazine Chapeau when officers broke the door down threw tear gas grenades into the luxury M. Hulot Suite and restrained Mr. Sutherland who tried to fight them off ‘with girlish open handed slaps’, according to one witness.
Mr. Sutherland is accused of 268 cases of homicide in incidents spanning from November of 2001 to late May of 2010, as well as accusations of torture, illegal detention, reckless driving, grievous bodily harm and inappropriate and protracted use of a husky voice. Mr. Sutherland responded to these accusations saying that he was playing a fictional television character called Jack Bauer in a popular series called 24, but the defence didn’t convince the prosecuting judge at the initial hearing, who stated: ‘c’est real! It is so realistic. It cannot be other than the truth.’
Prosecutors say that they have amassed a wealth of evidence, mostly comprising of ‘DVD box sets’:
‘We would have pounced earlier,’ said Maurice Hammier, ‘but we were waiting for the Blu-Ray.’