Paramount announced this morning that Kevin Smith‘s adaptation of the classic 80’s arcade game Pac-Man has ceased pre-production.
We were weeks away from shooting,’ said a studio insider:

But then somebody upstairs accidentally read the script thinking it was a copy of Forbes magazine and the call came to stop everything. Kevin was really distraught, I mean like crying snot bubbles distraught. To be honest it was a sorry, and occasionally stomach churning, sight.

Smith has spent two years working on the movie and last month in a interview with Ain’t it Cool he claimed this was going to be his ‘Best work to date’, but the studio insider disagrees.

Nobody had really bothered reading it as he was doing it for less than 2 million which was Reese Witherspoon’s bar tab last month. As the end of pre-production approached, I read it and it was terrible. Basically, it was Clerks 3 but they dressed Silent Bob up as Pac-Man and the rest of the cast put sheets on their heads and chased him around the convenience store for 2 hours whilst he ate Twinkies. That was bad enough but in other places it was just vulgar. At one point Pac-Man slips into a diabetic coma and Jay fellates him to wake him up but that doesn’t work so they all urinate on him whilst talking about which dead celebrity they’d like to fist f*k. This was supposed to be a kids’ movie for Christ sake!

According to renown critic Peter Travers, obscenity was not Smith’s only crime.

I heard that in one scene Pac-Man implies that he’s Catholic which wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t murdered by the ghosts in the third act only to be resurrected by the ‘Coins of God’ in the 4th. Hollywood just won’t commission anything they consider to be Christian propaganda. So it just goes to show if he’d written Pac-Man as a Jew, the cameras might be rolling as we speak.

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  1. One of the most cringeworthy articles I have ever read. When you were writing this did you think it was, like…funny?

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