KEVIN BACON: “I’M NOT GAY”















HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec had a surprise phone call from Kevin Bacon this morning in which he strenuously denied that he’s a practising homosexual. Below is a transcript of that earth shattering conversation.


Bacon

Hi it’s Kevin.

Exec

Morning Kevin. How are the Wife and Kids?

Bacon

Yeah great. I just thought I’d call you personally to let you know that I’m not gay.

Exec

I’m sorry?

Bacon

You know. I just wanted to say that despite what you might have heard I’m not gay. Not that there is anything wrong with being gay and if I was I’d be proud to be gay but I’m not gay. Definitely not gay. No way Jose.

Exec

Well that’s good to know Kevin but I haven’t heard any rumors. Are you okay? Have you been drinking?

Bacon

Oh. Well that’s fine maybe you just haven’t heard yet but sometime today you’re going to read or somebody is going to tell you that I’m gay. But I’m not.

Exec

Where did you hear this rumor?

Bacon

It’s all over Twitter, Facebook. The entire internet. It’s not true though. I mean I never even experimented in college or anything. I’m as straight as an arrow and one million percent not gay. Two million percent.

Exec

Well I’ve just typed ‘Kevin Bacon Gay’ into Google and I can’t find a single reference. Though did you know January 21st is Kevin Bacon Day in the Ukraine?

Bacon

Yeah they send me a truck load of borshchevery year and a nice card. So what you’re saying is nobody on the internet is talking about me being gay?

Exec

There’s this one guy in Germany who took a picture of himself wearing a Kevin Bacon mask and playing with his cock but that’s about it.

Bacon

F*ck. I’m going to kill that sonofabitch.

Exec

Who?

Bacon

Clooney. He called me up half an hour ago and said the rumour was everywhere.

Exec

Ah. The man’s a prankster.

Bacon

I want to get my own back. How about if I spread a rumor that he’s gay.

Exec

Er…It’s been done.

Bacon

Really?

Exec

Yeah David O. Russell and George had a spat a few years back and O. Russell concocted a story that Clooney is Gay. Now practically everyone is convinced that he is.

Bacon

Mmm. Then how about I spread a rumour that Clooney is straight?

Exec

It doesn’t work like that. Nobody gives a s*it if you’re straight.

Bacon

What about if we say he slept with an ugly woman?

Exec

How ugly are we talking?

Bacon

I’m thinking short, hunchback and some kind of skin disease.

Exec

Mmm. It’s good but we need more.

Bacon

Okay..I’ve got it! She’s ugly and she’s poor.

Exec

‘CLOONEY DATES UGLY POOR GIRL’. I like it but we need to cover more bases. How about ‘Clooney dates Fat Jew Hating Ugly poor Girl?

Bacon

Brilliant. So how do we start?

Exec

Well I have 500 people with Twitter accounts on the payroll. They all start talking about it at the same time and it will be trending within five minutes. An hour later it will be on the news and all over buzzfeed and by the end of the day it will be legend.

Bacon

Great. Let’s do it.

Exec

I’m on it.

Bacon

You know I was just wondering. Say that I was gay, which I’m not, but if I was. How do you think the public would react?

Exec

Whenever people ask me that question I always say the same thing. Imagine the headline.

Bacon

‘KEVIN BACON IS GAY’. Mmm…you know I don’t think anybody would give a f*ck. Hell, they wouldn’t even care if the headline was ‘BRAD PITT IS GAY’.

Exec

Yeah they would.

Bacon

Why would they care about Brad being gay but not me?

Exec

Er…Talk to your agent. I got to go.

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