Saturday 5 December 2020
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NEW YORK – Veteran Rollerball champion Jonathan E today announced his retirement from the game.

The decision came in the immediate aftermath of a bloody no holds barred game featuring Houston and New York and lòed to the deaths of several players. Many had questioned the safety of the sport following a match in Tokyo which saw the Houston’s lead rider Blue dead and Jonathan’s old friend Moose in a vegetative state. Sources close to the Jonathan E camp claimed that Jonathan had been melancholy for some time.

A source from inside the camp told the Studio Exec:

It’s really depressing. He just sits around erasing videos of his ex wife and listening to Tomaso Albioni’s Adagio for the strings. I think he must have it on a loop. He doesn’t listen to anything but sad Venetian string music. He sometimes wears this hat as well.

Rumbles of discontent within Houston had been reported for sometime as Jonathan’s personal popularity was far outstripping the reputation of other players and the team as a unit. Mr. Bartholomew of the Energy Corporation which runs the International Rollerball League has also let it be known that Jonathan E’s retirement has been considered long overdue. He told us:

We live in a dystopian society in which all of the problems of crime and violence have been solved through the innovation of a violent game with which everyone can vent their feelings. I know that doesn’t make much sense, but still it has worked and will continue to work in the future. But Jonathan E being too good at that sport is just ruining it for everyone and we welcome his decision, especially because completely coincidentally the Rollerball games seem to have become much more violent. I don’t know how that happened. Like people were dying and shit.

A new film about Jonathan E and entitled simply Rollerball starring James Caan and Ralph Richardson will be released in 1975.

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