Dear Vladimir Putin,
I’m Jon Voight and I am more than angry. I am genuinely furious. I mean, what the f*ck do you think you’re doing Vladimir? Seriously? Stirring up all that shit in the Ukraine and then a passenger jet gets shot down. As if the Malaysians didn’t have enough to put up with without you causing them even more grief. I’m so angry with you I can hardly even speak. You seem to have forgotten that it was the United States of America who saved Russia from Communism and what do you do? You give Gerard Depardieu citizenship! That makes no sense whatsoever. Why not Lee Majors or someone more befitting of the honor? When I was making Midnight Cowboy, Dustin Hoffman and I would go to this restaurant in New York where we were filming. And there was a Russian waiter there and he was called Vladimir Shostakovsky. And he was really nice. Always pleasant and with a great sense of humor. He didn’t go around amassing tanks on the borders of small countries, funding independence movements and undermining another sovereign state’s legitimacy. Not once in all the time we went there did I see any evidence of him quashing dissent or persecuting homosexuals. So it can’t be a Russian thing. Nor a Vladimir thing either, because that was his name too!
Well, that’s what I think. I’ve been meaning to write for a while but what with Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz and Barack Obama I’ve had a lot to deal with.