JOHNNY DEPP: ASTROLOGIST

 
Actor, Musician, Mystic. Johnny Depp‘s portent powers are renown and respected in elite Hollywood circles. Some say he predicted the death of Whitney Huston whilst others speak in hushed whispers about his ability to fry an egg with his mind. All The Studio Exec knows is that he has agreed to write our new horoscope column and today he ventures into the ancient houses of Aries and Taurus.


ARIES
 
You will buy a hat that does not fit and lose a bet with a vet on a Jet. Destiny wears suspenders, three horses smoke biscuits, a watched pot never boils and loose lips sink ships.
 
Wealth
 
You’ll get in debt to the vet on the jet but don’t fret. Your grandmother will die of pneumonia and leave you $10,000 + a rare ivory dildo once owned by Queen Victoria.
 
Love
 
An argument over  venison will lead to a sexual encounter in a public lavatory whereas married Ariens must avoid being tempted by a hot meat pie on Friday.
 
Spiritual
 
Two men will knock three times on your door between Monday and Sunday speaking in tongues and bearing copies of a religious magazine. Crayon swastikas and pagan symbols on your body and answer the door naked. They won’t bother you again.
 
 
 
TAURUS
 
Jupiter ascends in your fourth quadrant pulling Saturn through your sector during the 2nd lunar cycle of Mercury’s rise in Neptune causing you to mistakenly buy a box of own brand cornflakes instead of the vastly superior Kellogg’s.
 
 
Wealth
 
A ten pound wager on a greyhound with two legs will prove to be a shrewd investment on Thursday but beware of engaging in a game of cards with a man with no elbows during a full moon in June.
 
Love
 
An old flame will proposition you via Facebook and you’ll sneak off for a dirty weekend only to discover they have had a recent sex change operation but what the hell, you’ve come all this way and who’s to know?
 
Spiritual
 
A chance encounter with a Hare Krishna encourages you to shave off all of your body hair and travel to India where you develop a minor heroin addiction and become convinced you can levitate and cure chicken pox.
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