JOAN RIVERS: THE VOLDEMORT DIET

HOLLYWOOD – Immortal wandering husk comedienne Joan Rivers stopped by the office today to give the Studio Exec a sneak preview of her forthcoming book The Voldemort Diet.


Resembling a discarded slither of chicken skin pulled over a Lego figure, the 80 year old celeb also detailed her latest campaign to siphon the youthful nourishing energy from current top actress Jennifer Lawrence.

Jennifer, that sweet girl, doesn’t know it but she’s ripe for harvest. All part of my technique.  Sure, it’s a tragedy to gorge yourself on someone with so much life ahead of them but it’s all about perspective. You might look at her and say; there’s a really promising young talent, I look forward to seeing her work. Or, you could say, there is a youth flagon and I must imbibe. I must drink deep of her lustrous musk that I may live. See what I mean?

What are the actual techniques of your new system?

It’s simple easy steps. Firstly, begin to harvest the enthusiasm of the young and hopeful around you; children or young hipsters you work with. Begin a campaign of subtle belittlement and sly undermining and come lunchtime you won’t be craving that subway sandwich anymore! You’ll be full of life-force! That’s just level 1 stuff. I take it a LOT further in the book, Voldemort be praised.

But what about your public targeting of Lawrence as a source of nutrition for your constantly degenerating form, surely you’ve given the game away?

That’s the beauty of my system, there’s NOTHING anyone can do to stop it once the process has begun. She can try to rise above my snide jibes but that makes her ever more alluring and nourishing. Others will pick up the scent and she’ll be picked from many sides by my disciples. It’s futile to resist but with every second that she does she adds another course to the banquet. 

Rivers cut the interview short as she picked up the scent of Elle Fanning. Transforming herself into a swarm of flies, she exited the room through the ventilation system, leaving behind a cold and lingering funk that seemed to suck all happiness from one’s soul. 

The Voldemort Diet will be released in time for bikini season.

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