HOLLYWOOD – Paramount have confirmed the long-awaited Jaws remake will hit cinemas in summer 2019.
“We’ve got a killer script we’re eager to start shooting,” said a studio spokesman.
We’re taking a lot of inspiration from the original and the main characters are all essentially the same. We’re just going to set it in modern times and utilize some of the technology we have available now but didn’t back in the 70s. For example, there’s one guy who is famous for taking Instagram photos of shark attacks and he gets eaten alive. Another girl is bitten in half as she’s trying to snapchat a picture of Jaws and a kid playing Pokemon Go wanders into deep water and gets his legs chewed off. This version is not so much about the dangers of the natural world, it’s more about the dangers of using your iPhone around man-eating animals.
Although the cast hasn’t been finalized, rumours are swirling that Daniel Day-Lewis is already preparing for a role.
“He’s been living as a shark in the Pacific ocean for the last six months,” said an anonymous insider:
The studio insisted he wore a GPS tag for insurance purposes but they lost the signal sometime in August and nobody is sure of his current whereabouts.
Asked if Day-Lewis could be responsible for the recent shark attack in Venice beach, the spokesman was candid:
Look, I can’t officially say it was him but from what I hear, before the surfer was dragged underwater witnesses on the beach heard something cry ‘I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!’.
The Jaws remake is due for release in 2019.