HOLLYWOOD – After yesterday’s sensational and unsubstantiated news that Jack Nicholson has retired from acting; Jack awoke this morning and was shocked to discover that every major news outlet in the world had printed the story without first checking if any part of it was true.

“When I told my new cleaner I was retiring I meant I was going to bed!” Nicholson told The Studio Exec

It’s a commonly used expression but Rosalita, my cleaner is fresh off the boat from Cuba and I guess she doesn’t have a firm grasp of the English language. My agent said I should fire her for talking to the press but she’s young and I say give youth a chance. Especially youth with a rack as fine as hers.


Nicholson went on to say that he was highly amused by the media hysteria.

There’s no difference between fact and fiction these days. Last week I read a story I had signed on to play a sarcastic Jedi Knight in Star Wars VII. I’ve never even met George Lucas although he did ask me to play Indiana Jones. I was all set to do it too but Bob Evans told me Lucas was an asshole. I value Bob’s opinion but it was a good role so I asked Warren Beatty and he also said Lucas was an asshole. So I asked a few more folks and got the same response and the only person who never said Lucas was an asshole was Brando, he said he was a f*cking asshole so I decided not to do it. Shame as I really wanted to shoot some Nazis.

Asked what his next project will be Nicholson gave a stunning response.

It’s always been an ambition of mine to do a film with Eddie Murphy and we’ve finally got a script. Basically Eddie plays this uptight guy David Half who wants to be president but he has no idea who his father is so he tries to find him. I play his father Richard Half, a weed smoking hippy from way back who tries to get him to loosen up. It’s script writing by numbers I think they’re going to call it Honky Dad or Half & Half or something. 

Honky Dad/ Half & Half is due for release in 2019.

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