Good Morning. How are you enjoying Hollywood?

A day in Hollywood is like a day on the farm. Every meal is a banquet, every pay-check a fortune.

Your latest film Nymphomaniac is due for release soon. What was it like working with Lars Von Trier?

Madness, madness, they call it madness.

Indeed. So you’re currently dating you co-star Mia Goth. What attracted you to her?

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Are you in love?

I want to know what love is. I want you to show me.

Moving swiftly on. What attracted you to the movie industry. Who are your influences?

Harry Truman
Doris Day
Red China
Johnnie Ray,
South Pacific
Walter Winchell
Joe DiMaggio.
Joe McCarthy
Richard Nixon
North Korea
South Korea
Marilyn Monroe.

Billy Joel lyrics. Very funny.

Funny how. Like I’m a clown. I amuse you. I make you laugh?

No. It was just funny how you used the quote.

What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?

I’m sorry I think you’ve misunderstood me.

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Okay. Let’s change the subject. You’ve recently been accused of plagiarising cartoonist Daniel Clowes. What were your immediate thoughts when you heard the allegation?

Houston. We have a problem.

And now?

Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

Many people have condemned your actions but you’ve also had some support.

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

Excuse me but so far in this interview you’ve just been quoting film scripts and song lyrics. Do you have any original thoughts of your own?

I….I’m just as God made me Sir.

You just did it again that was from This is Spinal Tap.

Well. Nobody’s perfect.

And that was Some like it Hot. Why don’t you speak your own mind. Tell the truth?


Oh screw it. This interview is terminated

Surely you can’t be serious?

I am serious…and don’t call me Shirley.

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