Over the years that I’ve spent doing this acting lark I’ve picked up all sorts of hints and tips which have proved absolutely invaluable when rolling up on set two hours late and slightly hung over without having even looked at the script yet. I’m still waiting to hear back about my offer to do a stint on In The Actor’s Studio, but in the meantime here are some pointers to get you going.

1 Costume

Before you leave your dressing room take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Your costume will provide you with important clues as to what sort of film it is that you’re appearing in. A Stetson and a pair of leather chaps points to a western. If they’ve painted your face green, it’s science fiction. Skirts are a tricky one, but it’s nearly always Shakespeare. As a rule if you’re wearing sandals as well it’s probably Julius Caesar, if you’ve got stockings on then you’ll be in one of those comedies with all the cross dressing.  Look out for Errol Flynn, because if his knees get cold you’ll never hear the end of it.

2 Animation

If you walk out on set and there are rows of chaps sat around drawing little pictures of animals in then you’re doing a cartoon.  You don’t need to dress up or worry about standing in the wrong place, as all that happens is you go into a booth, read the lines in a funny voice, and fingers crossed you should be in the bar by 3 o’clock at the very latest. Walt Disney’s the chap you want to speak to about this sort of thing, but don’t let him make you help with the colouring in. 

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