HOW TO WRITE A SCREENPLAY
HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec is sick and tired of the bull crap that passes for screenplays in this town.
Not to mention all the messages and emails about screenplays that assholes have written and they have the audacity to ask the Exec to put on his bifocals and actually ingest this sopping filth. So he – in his fifteen percent wisdom – has decided to give all you aspiring Barton Finks some simple rules for you to follow.
- Have a story to tell you really don’t care about. Horrible things are going to happen to that story so it’s better you ain’t too invested. Never write about something that happened to you. You are really boring. Don’t make me fucking tell you. Use the Glen L Larson approach, copy something you like from film for a TV show or you like on television and put it in a feature format.
- Remember the three act structure and the character arc and denouements and stuff. Not for when you’re writing but for when you’re talking about writing.
- Originality is a cancer. Stamp it out from the very get go. Clichés are your bread and butter. Traffic cops only stop cars with bodies in the trunk. Funerals happen in the rain. Couples walk and talk in parks. When your protagonist is undecided have him sit in view of a bridge. Anger should be expressed by trashing a desk or punching the steering wheel. If someone’s a recovering alcoholic in Act One, they have to go on a bender in Act Three (that’s Chekov!)
- Give up on your dreams. Accept that statistically you’re never going to make it. All that bull crap about persistence and never giving up on your dream is horse shit. 99% don’t make it regardless of persistence and never giving up on your dreams. If you enjoy the process, good for you, otherwise it ain’t worth the butt ache.
- Finally, don’t send it to me. Believe me, we tolerate agents because they’re only slightly less odious pits of scum than writers. They’re filters. They man the barricades. Get yourself a good one and he can break my balls so you don’t have to.
Oh and put a colon in the middle of your title so we think you’re on to a franchise. Now, get out of my Goddam face!
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