Saturday 31 October 2020
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HOLLYWOOD – The Producer’s Guild today welcomed news that an industry wide dope testing authority – similar to that used in competitive sport – is going to be introduced in the Fall.

The Entertainment Industry Controlled Substances Agency will be self-funded by contributions from the studios it will regulate and will carry out random drugs tests, as well as annual mandatory tests to anyone currently involved in the film making and television business.

Matt Hoebord of the Producers Guild said:

For too long have people been taking drugs willfully and gaining an advantage on those of us who prefer clean living and Christian values. If we could take away Oscars retrospectively from those who made them films on drugs, the winners’ board would look a lot different. The Wizard of Oz for instance…!? 

 Although some voiced concern about a breach in civil liberties and even the death of certain Hollywood traditions such as driving while smoking a crack pipe along Sunset Boulevard, the news has largely been welcomed. Charlie Sheen said:
This is really going to take the pressure off. The film making and TV shows and what not really bite into your drug schedule. This way, I’ll be able to devote my time doing what I love without distraction. And being doing what I love I mean ‘winning’.
Answering critics who said the new authority will stifle creativity Hoebard replied:

A similar authority has been up and running in the music industry since the late eighties and no one, no one has noticed a drop of quality in… the … okay wait that’s a bad example. 

Lance Armstrong – who was set to star in Expendables 4 – issued a two word press release:

F*ck sandwich. 

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