WELLINGTON – Peter Jackson’s new Hobbit films have been hit by the economic crisis and have had to make cuts which are already evident from the trailers.
Expensive CGI special effects have been replaced by lumpy cartoons, sock puppets and the dwarves and hobbits have all been magically reduced in size by brutal medieval ‘aesthetic amputation’ methods.
Fran Walsh – Hobbit and Lord of the Rings screenwriter – moans: ‘Oh Jeez, we’ve had to cut so many corners. We employ children and we pay them in sweets. And we can’t afford Sir Ian McKellen so we’ve just re-cut some out takes and we’re trying to slot them in.’
Concerns over safety issues were raised however when Martin Freeman who plays Bilbo was rushed to hospital after falling over in a suit made entirely of mirrors, cutting himself badly. ‘That was the invisibility special effect,’ Freeman said, weeping piteously like a little girl. ‘I think I killed Gollum.’
Instead of the convoluted process of creating via a combination of CGI and motion capture, Gollum will be played by an unusually large frog that Peter Jackson has been stretching with his own hands.