LONDON – Helena Bonham Carter – daughter of legendary Led Zeppelin drummer and star of the bad Planet of the Apes – is to marry British Prime Minister, David Cameron.

The news came in an interview with the British tabloid newspaper The Guardian. ‘I love David Cameron,’ the actress told the interviewer. 

He’s witty and very clever and oh, just dreamy with his big potato-y head. He looks like Buzz Lightyear!

When reminded that not only was David Cameron already married, but Bonham Carter herself was as well, she acted not for the first time indifferent(ly).

I don’t care. I’m going to ditch Timmy [Burton] like a Nazi boyfriend at a bar mitzvah and Dave will leave ‘that bitch’. And we’re just going to stay in all day, probably having nooky. He can tell all his mates in the government: ‘You look after shafting the poor and protecting the rich for a few months, I’ve got some hot totty that needs heaps of Dave love.’ And they’ll say, ‘Yeah’.   

Reaction from Downing Street came shortly after the publication of the interview. A short note addressed ‘from the Office of the Prime Minister David Cameron stated briefly:

Ms. Bonham Carter is a respected actress of the highest calibre but marriage is utterly out of the question as the Prime Minister is already happily married. However, if Ms. Bonham Carter would like a snog the Prime Minister will be happy to oblige as long as no one tells his wife.

Helena Bonham Carter will next be seen in Tim Burton’s next film The Premature Burial.

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