NEW ORLEANS – Sexy pensioner and multi-award winner Dame Helen Mirren,was arrested earlier today after a dawn raid of her New Orleans apartment uncovered the bodies of 26 women.
Detective Dave Robicheaux was in charge of the police task force that discovered the remains.
It was a grisly scene [said a grizzled Robicheaux]. The victims were all in their early 20s and every one of them had been drained of blood, to the very last drop. She’d stored them all in her walk-in chest freezer and judging by the ‘best before’ date stickers on the bodies, she’s been killing for at least a decade.
Immediately rumours began to spread around the superstitious residents that Mirren was a vampire and several witch doctors gathered outside of the apartment chanting protection spells and sacrificing chickens. Detective Robicheux, however, dismissed such flights of fancy.
Look, every time somebody dies in New Orleans people think it’s a vampire. Couple that with Twilight being at cinemas and you’ve got a cold case of mass hysteria but the sad fact is: this is simply the work of a disturbed and extremely vain human being. We found a bath full of blood and Mirren’s DNA was all over it. She’s basically been doing a Liz Bathory and bathing in the red stuff to try and keep herself looking young. By the looks of her, she might have been onto something. I mean come on, she’s like a hundred years old and I don’t know a hot bloodied man alive who wouldn’t tap that ass.
News of Mirren’s massacre has sent shock waves throughout Hollywood and rumour has it several prominent actresses including Demi Moore and Susan Sarandon have skipped town and gone into hiding.
“We think Mirren is just the tip of the iceberg,” said Robicheux. “At least 600 girls have gone missing in Hollywood over the last twenty years and not all of them can be under Warren Beatty‘s patio.”
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