HOLLYWOOD – HBO cancels Justice League in a shock move.
The much anticipated 4 hour film will release on Tik-Tok as HBO cancels Justice League, The Snyder Cut. The surprise announcement came earlier today as rumours grew and grew about the release of the controversial Snyder Cut of the lackluster blockbuster where heroes muster.
Tik-Tok, Tik-Tok
The 4 hour film will now be released on the micro video sharing site, Tik-Tok in a series of over 1600 posts for comic book fans to watch. Zack Snyder released the following statement to confirm the rumours:
HBO Can Suck It
Subjects, worshippers and Snydians. I, Zack Snyder have parted ways with the evil corporate machine that is HBO. After initially promising me whatever I wanted to finally release the much anticipated Snyder Cut of The Justice League, HBO fucked me. Although calling it The Snyder Cut suggested it already existed, I basically had to shoot the whole fucking thing again. Some of the capitalist douche-bags at HBO lost faith when I showed them images of the brand new villain. They stupidly claim ‘it looks just like the old one, just a bit shinier’. Pricks.
Bullshit
That is of course bullshit, man. It’s totally a different villain-alien thing. His armour is spikier, the hills in the background look greener and, yes I’ll grant you, his armour is shinier. But let’s concentrate on the positive. Those fine, fine people at Tik-Tok have swooped in to save the day just like Iron Man or Spiderman.
Cinema Is Dead
As we all know, cinema is dead. No-one likes going to movie theatres now, we just want to watch stuff on our phones or tablets. Just ask Marty Scorsese or Christopher Nolan, they’ll be the first to agree. Movies just don’t work on the big screen anymore. Movies, especially 4 fucking hour long movies, are best watched in 15 second segments.
It’s Not Me, It’s You
Let’s face it, kids today are totally incapable for concentrating any longer than a few seconds at a time. That’s why no-one went to see any of my last few movies. That’s totally the reason. No other reason could possibly explain how I could take tried and tested cash cows like Batman and Superman and screw the pooch. It wasn’t down to me. It’s the audience’s fault. Fucking jerk offs. So here we are. We’re releasing a 4 hour plus movie on a platform that only allows 15 second videos. It’s great, totally great. It’s fine. Totally fine.