Friday 30 October 2020
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MONTREAL – Friday the 13th bogeyman and everyone’s favorite slasher, Jason Voorhees has been recruited to keep goal for the Montreal Canadiens, taking the position from Czech Peter Budaj who is coming to the end of his two year contract. Coach Michael Thierren said that he was first attracted to Voorhees on account of his aggression.

“Sure a goalie has to be tough, but Jason really knows how to get in there and mix it up,” said Thierren. “He’s a very intimidating presence out there on the ice. And you know, he has his own mask.”

It had previously been thought that Jason wore his ice hockey mask partly as a murderous affectation and partly to hide a hideous deformity, but his mother was quick to reveal that Jason had dreamed of playing ice hockey since he was a little child. “In fact, I think the rage that Jason feels is largely due to thwarted ambition, if you know what I mean,” said Mrs Voorhees. “Please have some more spicy sausage.”

Founded in 1909 the Montreal Canadiens is the oldest and most prestigious hockey team in Canada and Voorhees is considered by some to be a risky choice. Manx Battersack sports journalist noted: “Number one, he’s old. Too old. He’s been around since the eighties for crying out loud. Number two, he has a long history of murdering people and that is going to mean every ref in the game is going to have their eye on him. But on the plus side think of the merchandising! In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jason became a David Beckham like figure for the NHL.”

What do you think Jason’s chances are? Please feel free to contact us on Twitter or Facebook.

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