H.P. LOVECRAFT’S MOVIE REVIEWS

hp lovecraft

ARKHAM – In a new feature, the Studio Exec is proud to present esteemed horror short story writer H.P. Lovecraft and his eldritch movie review column.

Greetings.

Never in the history of mankind has an invention as insidious and powerful as the magic lantern show called cinema been allowed to perpetuate its foul secret dealings without let or hindrance on the unassuming and innocent unknowing masses of humanity. Few have endeavored to unveil the secret meanings held within its depraved offerings, lest they flee from the darkened cavern of the movie house raving and gibbering and complete stark raving insane! But I who have unveiled the mythos of Cthulhu, I who have gasped at the hidden angles of the dream house of Kadath and climbed the Mountains of Madness; I who have sat through all the Fast and Furious films, even the ones without Vin Diesel, am now willing to deliver to the world my findings, hopeful that they will serve as a warning to humanity that no one else strive to go where I have trembling gone…

Dumb and Dumber To

Harold and Lloyd return after years of exile to the light of day. Lloyd has journeyed into the cavernous depths of his own insane mind and Harold has visited him on a weekly basis and now they must once more confront a civilization they no longer understand, but now without the distraction of comedy. Bravely the filmmakers have done away with all humor and left us to regard the horror of existence in all its disturbing reality. Watch at your peril for few can regard a work such as this without finally losing their minds!

American Sniper

Not nearly racist enough. The swarthy savages, whose simpler minds and primitive appetites make them perfect disciples of the Elder Ones and their evil scheming, are dispensed of with admirable elan by the bearded fat one from The Hangover. But for why the despair?

Selma

Not enough tentacles.

Padington

The bear talks! And yet this uncanny horror is served up to humanity as a children’s film!? This malignant beast, the burning eyes of his ‘hard stare’, his horrendous maw dripping with foul gooey marmalade, far from being cuddly is more diabolical than the devil himself. An arcane horror from the darkest regions of Peru, brought to the light by the folly and hubris of the manifold pretenses of ‘science’ now stalks London, causing mayhem wherever he roams, though thankfully pursued by the ever reliable Nicole Kidman. I cheered for Miss Kidman throughout the film, but like many lone voices of reason, crying out in the wilderness of most arcane horror, she is treated with utter dripping contempt and ends the film covered in animal feces for the entertainment of fools and little fools, also known as children.

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