LONDON – As soon as he wraps on the eagerly anticipated Man From U.N.C.L.E, professional cockney Guy Ritchie will begin pre-production on a live action version of He-Man And The Masters of the Universe.
I got hold of it, gave it to my old china Damon Lindelof, he had a butchers and said he’d sort it.
Skinny student Adam works at a pub in the East End of London called The Greyskull, run by hot landlady Angie Sorceress. Underworld boss, Jimmy Skeletor wants to take over the The Greyskull but Angie doesn’t want to sell. One night Jimmy sends around some goons, trashes The Greyskull and beats up Adam who is brain damaged in the attack. Afraid for her life and her business, Angie hatches a plan. She’ll nurse Adam back to heath, pump him full of steroids and brainwash him into thinking he’s an alien superhero called He-Man from the Planet Eternia. From then on fantasy and reality become blurred. Adam begins to believe he is on Eternia fighting Skeletor and his henchman. Of course, it doesn’t end well. In fact the final scenes are reminiscent of the bloodbath at the end of Taxi Driver. Imagine if Travis Bickle had a magical sword rather than a gun and you’ll get some idea of the level of carnage we’re aiming for.
Obviously we cannot legally say that children should see this movie but you know, we live in a digital age and it’s difficult to know what your kids are watching so Mattel will be bringing out a range of action figures, clothing, stationary and matching bedspread and curtain sets. In fact only yesterday I was looking at the official coloring book. It’s great, really brings the movie to life and you get a free packet of claret colored crayons with every purchase.