tube strike

LONDON – Guy Ritchie has signed on to direct the upcoming movie ‘Tube Strike’ based on a script by Boris Johnson.

“I’m as happy as a dog with two dicks,” said Ritchie.

I met up with Boris and he’s a right geezer. We discussed the script and who he fancied playing the main roles, then we went for some pie and mash. I had the steak and ale and he had the chicken and mushroom. It was proper. After that he took me to the Opera in his limo, we drank a few bottle of Cristal then went on to have a slap up dinner at a three star Michelin restaurant. Boris explained to me that he’d love to give the Strikers more money but in this age of austerity, there’s just not enough to go round.

The script revolves around the character of Susanne, a leading advertising executive struggling to get back to her 3 million pound North London townhouse.

It’s a bit like Planes, Trains & Automobiles . She calls an Uber, no reply, she tries to get on a bus, it’s chock-a-block, she pays a homeless person to give her a piggyback, he dies of a heart attack. In the end she is forced to walk the 40 minute journey home.

Emily Blunt will play the role of Susanne and Ritchie confirmed that Jason Statham has signed on to play the role of Raj Kumar, an Indian newsagent who strikes up a relationship with Susanne when she enters his shop to purchase a bottle of sparkling water and a protein ball.

Some critics are saying that my mate Jason can’t play an Indian fella but that’s a lot of racist pony and trap. Anyway, we bought him an elephant and he converted to Hinduism last week in order to prepare for the role so it’s a bit late to make any changes.

Asked why he had bought Statham an elephant, Ritchie looked puzzled:

He told me all Hindus had elephants? Are you saying he was having me on? Bloody Norah, that’s 900,000 pounds of the budget up the swany.

Tube Strike is due in 2016.

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