HOLLYWOOD – After today’s Twin Peaks cast list was released online, one startling omission from the list of actors was Gerard Butler and Gerard sat down with The Studio Exec to discuss David Lynch’s outrageous snub.
Gerrard, how do you feel?
Ah, I’m alright. Though my balls are hurting a bit because I was shagging all last night.
Yeah. I must have shagged about, twenty women. Don’t ask me any of their names, though.
Do you know any of their names?
You’re a funny guy. I just don’t do the names thing. I want to shag them, not marry them.
Do you feel that by not asking their name you’re treating women like objects rather than people?
Hey look, pal. I love women, I just don’t want to be tied down. But some of them do, though. You know, like being tied down, when I’m shagging them.
Do you think your mother would be proud of you?
My mammy loved a shag. I come from a long, proud line of shaggers.
Moving on. Why do you think David Lynch never cast you in Twin Peaks?
Well, to be honest I didn’t really put much of an effort in. I was doing this scene and all the while I was thinking, ‘I could be shagging someone right now.’
Do you think your love of shagging has hindered your career?
Oh aye. I mean, I only became an actor so I could shag more birds and now that I’ve made a few quid I can just star in a couple of shitty blockbusters every year and spend the rest of the time shagging.
Makes sense. So what have you got coming up next?
Well, I’ve got a shag booked in for an hours time and a couple on the boil for tonight.
No, I mean film-wise.
Och, no idea, pal. But hopefully their’s lots of shagging in it.
Twin Peaks is due in 2016