GERARD DEPARDIEU BECOMES RUSSIAN
MOSCOW – Chunky French film star (and air-plane plumbing expert) Gerard Depardieu has become Russian, receiving the all important nod from the Russian Tsar, Vladimir Putin, late last night. From now on the hulking star of such classics as Jean de Florette and Cyrano di Bergerac and 101 Dalmatians will be known as Ivan Depardinovitch.
Film scholars were busy last night re-writing all the books on French cinema of the last sixty years and changing his name to the new one.
Ivan was angry at French President François Hollande’s decision to raise tax on the very rich. ‘I am practically down to my last yacht,’ said Ivan. Ivan first moved to Belgium, a country which is basically France, but pretends to be different. He immediately realised he had made a huge mistake: ‘Christ, it’s boring.’
Having listened to a song by Sting – and being assured that ‘Russians love their children too’, Ivan decided Russia would be the ideal home for his money. When questioned about the terrible human rights record of the country, Ivan laughed and waved away the question: ‘Don’t believe all that,’ he said. ‘I heard that not only is the country a riot, it’s a pussy riot!’