HOLLYWOOD – In a remarkable change of heart, George Lucas published a statement this morning disavowing the Star Wars prequels and promising that the negatives will not only be destroyed but ‘every memory of them will be wiped from human memory’.

The statement that was issued from the Skywalker ranch this morning reads:

Several years ago, I began along a course of action which I have come to regret. I supposed it started with the Ewoks. I don’t know. I had created a popular Science Fiction film and then another, and finally there was Return of the Jedi, which had some good bits. At this stage in my career I felt I was done. I couldn’t think of anything else to do but take baths in the money that rolled in from Hasbro. But then I got really bored and some people started to say “Hey why don’t you make some more of them Star Wars films?” And so I thought why not? But the sad fact of the matter was any chops I had in the story telling game were as dead as a duck called Howard. I suspected it was all going wrong but the same people who had told me to do it in the first place would just greet every idea I had with like “Genius genius” even if it was shit biscuits. Even I hated Jar Jar Binks, but Stevie Spielberg was like “this is hilarious”. Last night I had a moment of clarity: it was all rubbish, all of it. And so I will use the full power of my wealth to buy back every DVD, BluRay and film print in existence of Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith and we’ll all get drunk and then burn them. It will be fucking excellent. 

 Lucas concludes:

All I can say is I’m really sorry and I hope everyone will forgive but most of all forget. I will not rest content until the memory of the prequels is utterly wiped away.

Red Tails & Broomsticks is due for release in 2016.

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  1. As much as this gesture is at least attempting at some sort of redemption, the ultimate way to satisfy fans of Star Wars is for Lucas to kill himself and see to it that African whore he calls a wife gets raped until her gaping cunthole is gushing a waterfall of blood. Because the only thing Lucas deserves is pain and sorrow and his loved ones suffering for all eternity.

  2. I also propose as Star Wars fans that we petition more school and theater shootings because according to research most prequel and Clone Wars fans are children. I beseech my fellow German Star Wars fans to please, please shoot up the crowd that sees Episode II in 3D at Celebration Europe II regardless of how small. Especially shoot the projector. This goes double for families who allow their children to dress as prequel or Clone Wars related characters as they should, frankly, know better. Make theirs especially painful. I am once again frustratingly perturbed that no one bothered to hasten the deaths of the Make-a-Wish children who dressed as prequel-inspired characters at Course of the Force this year. That would ensure that we are finally getting the Star Wars that our generation–the ones that grew up with them and truly love them–deserve. And speaking of Course of the Force, someone please gang rape Ashley Eckstein into a coma. Thank you and may the Force be with you!

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