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Thursday 18 July 2019
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GEORGE LUCAS’ FORCE AWAKENS EMAIL

GEORGE LUCAS’ FORCE AWAKENS EMAIL

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars: The Force Awakens is currently smashing every record at the Box Office but there was one audience member who wasn’t entirely won over: George Lucas.

In an email to J.J. Abrams, George Lucas has expressed his feelings fully and candidly about Episode 7 of the Star Wars saga: The Force Awakens. The Studio Exec has EXCLUSIVELY received a copy of this email. Because of the newsworthiness of this particular item of correspondence, we have decided – after literally seconds of deliberation – to make it publicly available. Be warned, it does contain SPOILERS (if you want to read our SPOILER FREE review Click Here).

Hi JJ,

It was neat of you to let me have that sneak preview. I really enjoyed it, but – as you can imagine – I do have a few notes. Obviously you’ve made the film and do with them what you will. What do I know? I’m only the guy who INVENTED THE WHOLE F*CKING UNIVERSE *joking*. Okay, so here they are.

Luke Skywalker. WTF? Where is he? The whole movie I’m waiting for Luke Skywalker. Okay, he’s disappeared, but for the entire movie. Han Solo had disappeared in Return of the Jedi. Ten minutes into that film he was found, defrosted and back in the action. Christ almighty, JJ. This is Star Wars 101 here!

R2D2 spends the whole movie asleep. Not cool. This BB8 bullshit is never going to catch on. All that rolling around. Eeew. Reminds me of a Goddamned hairless testicle! And where is Jar Jar Binks? Surely you need some comedy in the film. I mean for the kids. No one stepped in ‘doo-doo’ or got their tongue paralyzed. Seriously, are you the same JJ who thought up the ending of Lost?

You misspelled Tatooine. Jakku? Not even close.

Han Solo and Leia. Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher are great obviously but I would have cast new actors to make them look a bit younger. I caught Taylor Lautner in The Ridiculous Six (very funny BTW). He would be perfect as Solo and Keira Knightley as Leia would have been a natural. File under missed opportunities.

14 parsecs – 12 parsecs – it’s a unit of space not time – asshole! And what was that bullshit with the Deathstar and the Starkiller base? Were you seriously just saying my dick is bigger than George’s dick? Is that what that was? Is it?

Kylo Ren should get his hand cut off (obviously).

Other than those minor criticisms I thought the film on the whole was moderately enjoyable. There are two more films coming up so I would give you some further advice if I might. The second film should be darker, the way Empire Strikes Back was. I would call it something like The Gungans Strike Back. Or Return of the Midi-chlorians. Those would be my favorite titles.

Live Long and Prosper, JJ.

G.L.

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