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Sunday 8 December 2019
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FLUFFER’S XMAS TOP TEN: PART 2

FLUFFER’S XMAS TOP TEN: PART 2

‘The size of a healthy penis’

As the holiday season approaches actor, raconteur and functioning alcoholic Sir Edwin Fluffer pours himself a large cognac, and introduces us to his Top Ten Christmas movies.



4. It’s A Wonderful Life

When Frank Capra rang to offer me a role in this Christmas classic I jumped at the chance. Unfortunately I landed awkwardly on top of Lionel Barrymore. Luckily I wasn’t seriously hurt, but poor old Lionel ended up having to film all of his scenes from a wheelchair. It was a simple accident and could’ve happened to anyone after a few large brandies, but I’m afraid that darling Lionel did rather hold it against me. I won’t go as far as to say that he had me fired from the picture, but he certainly wrote a long letter to Frank pointing out my many failings both as an actor and a human being. 

In all fairness some of the points he raised were hard to disagree with and as I read on I soon found myself nodding in agreement.
Jimmy Stewart took it a step further by asking the rest of the cast and crew to sign a petition requesting that my services be no longer required and I mistakenly signed it thinking it was a birthday card for Donna Reed! We did laugh about that!
Even to this day I still can’t think about this film without getting a tear in my eye.


5. Love Actually
I’ve not actually seen this film myself, but the lady who comes in to do my cleaning assures me that it’s very good. The box says it has an all-star cast so there’s every chance that I could be in it.  If there’s a smartly dressed gentleman with an eye for the ladies making witty remarks while pretending not to notice the bunch of mistletoe sticking out of his trousers then that’s probably me.  People including my lawyer say I’m far too old for that kind of behavior, but try telling that to dear old Ollie Reed or darling Dickie Harris. 
Of course Peter O’Toole’s given up on all that sort of thing now, and have you seen the state of him? He looks dreadful! 
Wait! I have seen this one! 
Has it got Charlton Heston doing the chariot racing? 
That’s on every Christmas, and very good it is too.
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