Marlene and John Wayne
‘No rest for the wicked,’ as darling Marlene Dietrich used to say with that naughty glint in her eye. I think it was a minor stroke, but the cameras never picked up on it.

The truly exorbitant fees charged by my nursing home have forced me on to the streets with my begging bowl again, so look out for yours truly doing the rounds of some of our more easily impressed chat show hosts shamelessly flogging my first ever DVD! It’s rather ambitiously called ‘The Best of Sir Edwin Fluffer’, but for copyright reasons what I’ve ended up with is a load of old deleted scenes from films that no-one wanted to see me in years ago. The ‘highlights’, for want of a better word, include…

  • ·        Crossing swords with Errol Flynn in Robin Hood: ‘Have at ye varlet!’ ‘Oh put it away!’
  • ·        My cameo appearance as one of the regular customers of Rick’s Cafe Americain in Casablanca: ‘Come on, give me one more drink.’ ‘I think you’ve had enough, pal.’ ‘Please Bogie, just a small one!’ ‘Cut!’
  • ·        Coming to the aid of Gary Cooper in High Noon: ‘It’s about ten to.’
  • ·        An uninvited guest in Psycho: ‘Do you have any rooms with a bath?’
  • ·        My overlooked performance as the eighth member of The Magnificent Seven: ‘Does anyone have a horse I can borrow?  Yul! Can I go on the back of yours?’
  • ·        Playing the odds as Rex Harrison’s bookie during the famous horse racing scene in My Fair Lady: ‘Right you are guvnor, that’s twenty quid each way on Lucky Boy in the 3.15. And who’s this young filly?’
  • ·        A weather beaten old fisherman in Jaws:  ‘Yarr! ‘e ‘ad teeth like Steve Buscemi!’
  • ·        A lovely moment in Pulp Fiction where I play an elderly man counting out his change in the queue at Big Kahuna Burger while enjoying a bit of banter with Sammy Jackson: ‘Hey, you wanna hurry up there old man?’ ‘Hey, you wanna kiss my wrinkly white ass?’
  • ·        And my recent scene stealing turn as Gandalf’s dear old Dad in The Hobbit: ‘You be careful out there Gandy, and don’t forget to comb your beard!’

Sadly‘The Best of Sir Edwin Fluffer’ still has yet to find a distributor, but copies are available from my agent. Go 5 Old Compton Street, London, and ring the bell for Julius Leavy; ask for Gripper and tell them Neddy sent you. He only takes cash, so no cheques please. Happy watching!
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