In return for a bottle of gin and some previously unseen photos of Angela Lansbury, The Studio Exec has gained exclusive access to the diaries of veteran thespian Sir Edwin Fluffer. Here we are proud to present selected highlights from his many lows of 2014…
Jan 1st Some unusually good news to start the year: Kirk Douglas phoned to say that our long awaited remake of Whatever Happened To Baby Jane is back on! Saul Zaentz has said he’ll produce and Kirk’s daughter in law has promised to drop him off at the studio when she takes the kids to school.
Jan 3rd Saddened to hear that Saul Zaentz has passed away. I still remember when he fired me from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest! Jack Nicholson absolutely insisted that an American Indian play the Chief, and you have to admire his eye for detail.
Jan 27th Last day of filming on The Expendables 3. I don’t mind admitting that I had a bit of trouble keeping up with some of younger chaps on this shoot. Dear old Arnie does make me laugh: he’s insisting on playing the part with an Austrian accent! Sly says that if I’m still alive for part 4 he’ll make sure there’s a scene for me which is very sweet of him. His mother’s as ravishing as ever and still has all her own thighs.
Feb 1st Kirk phoned to say that Sid Caesar’s signed for Baby Jane. Haven’t seen him since I was dropped from Your Show of Shows. I still maintain that the words that I was alleged to have used were grossly misreported, and in my defence I didn’t even know that Mel Brooks was Jewish. Mel and I are great pals now of course, but try as I might I can’t persuade him to take Spaceballs to Broadway.
Feb 12th Sad to hear that Sid Caesar’s died. I think that I played him in that bio-pic of Julius Caesar that Billy Shakespeare did the screenplay for. Brando was in it and little Johnny Gielgud. People used to rave about him, but I thought he mumbled terribly.
Feb 23rd Apparently my scenes have been cut from Dallas Buyers Club: I’m furious, I was on nothing but Slim Fast for a fortnight to get into that costume.
Jared Leto never forgave me for that unfortunate incident in the make up trailer, but in my defence it was quite dark in there.