They say never work with children or animals. I have no idea at all who they are, but they’re quite right. I suffered quite nasty bruising when that vile brat Macauley Culkin deliberately pushed me down a flight of stairs on Home Alone, and the crew did nothing but roar with laughter. Out of the kindness of his heart darling Joe Pesci offered to slash the dreadful child’s face for me, and he seemed genuinely disappointed when three production assistants had to hold him back, but I said no: Sir Edwin Fluffer fights his own battles.
The resulting court case mean they had no choice but to fire me from the picture, and to my dying day I will always maintain that I didn’t know I still had my dentures in when I accidentally repeatedly bit the vile little toad until he cried.
Speaking of evil reptiles reminds me when I met Kermit The Frog. I was telling him about the time I bet King Kong $20 that he couldn’t get Vivien Leigh to fit a banana in her mouth sideways when he struck me in the face with a custard pie. A perfectly decent smoking jacket was badly stained, as was my cravat, and my toupee was ruined. They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but as always they’re completely wrong, and I’m not ashamed to admit I immediately set fire to him with my lighter. What happened next is probably best ignored, but to the young people in the audience who seemed so terribly upset I apologise.
I let my temper get the better of me and I should never have said such awful things to Fozzie Bear who is a true gentleman.
And I once porked Miss Piggy, but that’s another story…
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