Sunday 12 July 2020
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HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall the actress they called the ‘blonde arse’: Marilyn Monroe.

You’ll be surprised at how many people still think that Marilyn Monroe invented the telephone, but it’s simply not true. In all fairness she was a dab hand with a screwdriver, but that level of technical knowledge was simply beyond her. Rather unfairly this added to her reputation as a ‘ditzy blonde’, but if I needed a set of shelves putting up, Mags was always the first girl I’d ask.

‘Measure twice, cut once,’ was her motto, and it served her well. I’ve never seen dovetail joints like Marilyn’s, and that’s coming from a man who got Lee Marvin to mend the skirting board in his spare room. 
And despite her superstar status, she was really quite affordable: Danny Kaye wanted some fencing put up in his back yard and she did it for $250. That included the paint and materials! 
Of course, Sidney Poitier was furious. He thought she was deliberately undercutting his prices, and ended up with a garage full of chipboard that he couldn’t get rid of. In the end he cut his losses and sold the lot to Dickie Burton at a knock down price, and he used it for the sets on Cleopatra. I think Marilyn got fed up with it all when Sammy Davis Jnr complained about the door frame she did in his dining room. It did stick sometimes, but nothing like as much as Sammy said it did. In the end she just put her tools back in the van and there they stayed. I begged her not to give up, but her mind was quite settled. 
‘I’m just going to do the acting from now on Neddy,’ she said, and bless her heart she was true to her word. 
Of course carpentry’s loss was Hollywood’s gain, but even when Betty Grable needed sanding down on How To Marry A Millionaire she just went back to her trailer and let the crew get on with it. 
I did once see her chiseling Tony Curtis, but that’s another story…
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