Unfortunately the incident with the bearded lady led to me being fired from the travelling circus. For neither the first or the last time in my life I was down but not out, and so, having served my apprenticeship in this business we call show, I decided it was time to break in to Hollywood.
Dressed head to toe in black with a balaclava mask covering my face and armed only with a crow bar and sawn off shot gun, I smashed my way through Samuel Goldwyn’s bathroom window.
Over the years I think the world and his wife have had their say about dear old Sammy. I will only say this: his home security was absolutely beyond compare. The police were on the scene within minutes and in no time at all one of LAPD’s finest was giving me the kicking I so richly deserved while another read out the charge sheet.
I expected a bit of bother about the breaking and entering and carrying an unlicensed firearm with intent to endanger life, but it was a bit of bad luck that they also noticed that I’d left my car in a no parking zone and that one of the tail lights wasn’t working. And if anyone ever asks you what Sir Edwin Fluffer and Shelley Winters have in common you can tell them that we are the only two Academy Award winners ever to be charged with regicide. But that’s another story…
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