james bond

HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall James Bond.

Only the other day I was talking to me dear old friend Olivia DeHavilland, (She’d dialled the wrong number and it took quite some time to convince her I wasn’t her chiropodist) and she asked me that question so many women have asked me before. “Neddy.”, she purred, “You’re a suave, if occasionally violent, alcoholic; why did you never give us your James Bond?”

“Maybe 50 years ago,” I laughed, before coughing only the way an elderly man who’s been on 40 a day for as long as he is able to remember can. 

It’s true I was approached about the role many many years ago, but the producers felt that my reputation as a suave if occasionally violent alcoholic wasn’t what they were looking for. I threw my drink in Cubby Broccoli’s face and left the room with as much dignity as a man who’d just wet himself could muster, and thought that was the end of it. Then only last year, my agent gave me the news that darling Sean Connery had been persuaded to come out of retirement and don the tuxedo one last time for Never Ever Say Never Again Ever Again. Would I like to play his arch-nemesis Blofeld? It took me just three weeks to negotiate the contract, and I was on set. The first day’s filming went well even though I hadn’t been able to remember any of the lines, and I retired to my dressing room. It was there I discovered that I’d come out in a terrible rash! I went to my usual doctor, who was as surprised as me to find it wasn’t a recurrence of the old problem. Turns out I was allergic to the cat that had spent the day fast asleep on my lap! 
We managed to renegotiate my shooting schedule while the props team worked on a prosthetic moggie for me to toy with menacingly, but then disaster – Sean found out that he was double booked with a pro-celebrity golf tournament and the project was shelved. There has been some talk recently of reviving it, with Diane Keaton in the main role as she can provide her own tux.
But that’s another story…
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