FIFTY SHADES OF SNATCH
The man Pauline Kael called “The most depraved and despicable genius I’ve ever had the displeasure to sleep with”. Dirk Douglas Snatch was the chief Film Critic for the ‘News of the World’ between 1938 and 1975. His memoir ‘Fifty Shades of Snatch’ is regarded as being one of the definitive accounts of the hedonistic history of modern film Journalism.
It was Monday, a cruel day.
I had just polished off my third Vodka and was about to settle down to write a review of ‘Le Chagrin et la Pitié‘ when my agent called to inform me that unless I acquired more gainful employment, a large bewhiskered gentleman wielding a hatchet would be visiting my abode and so, with a heavy heart and a pinch of amphetamine. I ambled along to my local brothel to interview a prostitute.
Amber Lyne, was a gamely buxom woman with ample bosoms and a smile that said ‘Dirty’. Being something of a sexual adventurer I was sure that my evening with Amber would allow me the opportunity to indulge in many bizarre and barley legal acts of lurid indecency.
I wasn’t disappointed. She bound and she gagged and she was generally very receptive to my every whim. Even when I asked her to sandpaper my scrotum and insert lit matches into my nether regions she seemed more than happy to oblige and I must say she took me to islands of eroticism I never knew existed but hope to one day return.
After our fiesta of filth had ceased I was so enamoured with the good lady I offered to give her ten pounds rather than the usual five. Unfortunately I had left my wallet at home and in the end she rather begrudgingly had to except two pounds fifty in change and three rather shabby looking Woodbines.
Still, it was enough to get her a syringe full of the good stuff and have a few coins left over to purchase her child a fish supper and so I left her quarters with a warm fuzzy glow and the sweet tingling of a thoroughly milked prostate.
I spent the rest of the fine summers evening polishing off the remains of the Vodka and pleasuring myself to a homemade montage of Jane Mansfield nude scenes; stopping occasionally to light a cigar and bask in the sheer spellbinding beauty of being.
Tune in next week for more excerpts from ‘Fifty Shades of Snatch’.
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