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Tuesday 29 September 2020
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FEMA OPENS 3000 FORCE AWAKENS RECOVERY CENTERS

FEMA OPENS 3000 FORCE AWAKENS RECOVERY CENTERS

WASHINGTON – 3000 recovery centers have been established by FEMA to deal with the opening of Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (or FEMA as it prefers to be known) has set up over 3000 recovery centers across the USA to deal with what it describes as ‘a post- Force Awakens emergency’.

A spokesperson for the Agency, Max Rangent, told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We foresee that come December the 19th there might be a lot of people who need us. These facilities will be equipped with counselors and psychiatrists who have been trained to tend to those who are disappointed and potentially suicidal.

Do you think the film is going to be bad?

No, not all. But what would you rather? The film is great and we’ve set these tents up to no purpose, or the film is terrible and there is no one hand to talk the fan base down from the ledge? Think of it. All those kids dressed up like Jawas, all those grown men, all those adults who are nuts for the Force and spend their weekends attending barbecues dressed as Stormtroopers. Can you imagine what’s going to happen when they realize halfway through that the film they’re watching is only marginally better than Super 8, or Star Trek into Darkness.

I see your point.

Also imagine what would happen if the film wasn’t bad as such but just disappointingly mediocre. Not so much Phantom Menace as Matrix Reloaded.

Matrix Reload was absolute…

Okay, Matrix Revolutions.  The deflation from such an intense hype that has been going on for the past year and a half would be so great that the human body might simply pop, like a big tired blood balloon.

F*ck!

I know. We’ll have supplies of the original trilogy, and the Lord of the Rings to soften the blow. We might even try to ween a few of them onto something softer like Star Trek. Something where they can get used to years of intense disappointment.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be released next week.

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