HOLLYWOOD – A James Bond spoiler leaked onto the internet, causing fans to express anger and consternation.
The James Bond spoiler leaked by several news outlets online a few days ago, caused fans of the much loved franchise to go ape shit.
‘Because I don’t wanna know anything before I illegally download it.’ One fan of the spy movies raged. ‘I’ll decide if I wanna pay to see it in the cinema. I ain’t made of bloody money. These journalists sit there, in their ivory towers. Which, by the way is illegal to trade in. So they’re assholes for that also. They decide what we read about in articles they write and what we don’t! It’s outrageous.’
No Time To Die had its release date pushed back by the Corona virus lockdown. This has led to dramatic secret rewrites and reshoots. James Bond will no longer face reanimated super villain, Freddie Mercury. Because of lockdown, he faces redundancy after being furloughed for months on end. James sat at home trolling jealous husbands, outraged chefs and humiliated tailors on Twitter. Because of this, M played by Tim Bernard Lee (the inventor of the internet), has no choice but to let him go and Bond takes up a position as a security guard at his local Waitrose.
‘Because of this change of scene for Bond, we can take the franchise in a whole new and exciting direction.’ Said long term Bond producer, Barbara Broccoli. ‘Therefore, we can start great new product placement partnerships. In place of the Aston Martin, we have entered a new deal for Bond to drive a Scoda Octavia, it’s great on mileage and soon they’re bringing out a hybrid, kerching! Following on from this, Bond will no longer drink Vodka Martinis, but cans of Stella, smoke Benson and Hedges fags and eat microwave burgers. The fans will love it.’
As Bond stalks the aisles of the upmarket store, he stumbles upon a plot to change the sell by dates in Meat and Dairy. His nemesis, store manager Terry Soldfinger joins forces with the trolley-boy henchmen. The excitement’s off the scale as they attempt the cover up the scandal. Therefore making sure the upcoming stock check goes smoothly and wastage kept to a minimum. This could be Bond’s toughest mission yet. With his license to ’till’ not signed off, Bond goes rogue. Therefore ensuring the customers receive the freshest produce, reducing in-store complaints.
Because of this change in plot, Eon Productions announced a change to the title of 25th installment in the spy franchise.