HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec can exclusively reveal Matt Damon’s best man speech at Ben Affleck and J-Lo’s wedding the other day. His drunken rant ruined all the guest’s ham and melon starters, along with many Salmon-En-Croutes for the mains. We reveal below excerpts from Matt Damon’s Best Man Speech.
Matt Damon’s Best Man Speech
“I just wanna say how pleased how I am for Ben and Jennifer to finally manage to get some headlines above mine. I know I’ve had by far the better acting career compared to Ben. Many people have asked how I feel about Ben standing on my shoulders. I say to them, it’s fine, it’s totally fine. I can look back on my Bourne franchise, whereas Ben has his Marvel Daredevil franch- oh wait, oops. Wasn’t he Batman for like, a movie and a half? Hahahahahahaha!”
“But seriously everyone, when I wrote Good Will hunting all those years ago, I was happy to let him have some credit. It’s opened doors for him that, let’s face it, would’ve stayed locked for years. And good for him, that’s what I say. I’m just glad that I can now finally pass the Ben baton over to Jennifer. Actually, doesn’t Jennifer look great. She looks beautiful. God damn you look good girl. You wanna know what it’s like to make it with a movie star, you gimme a call.”
I got notes to read from people who couldn’t make it today. George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Henry Cavill, Gal Gadot, Charlize Theron and Robert Downey Jr. They’re all sorry they couldn’t make it. It’s a shame because they’re always such good fun when they ALWAYS show up to my parties. Always show up. But still, getting a message them is real good pal. Real good, I’m happy for you.
Raise Your Glass
Anyway, Ben did want me to tell you all a story about him doing some charity work no-one really knows about, because he puts it on his Insta account. But I’m not gonna bore you with that. Can you kindly be upstanding to raise your glass to the happy couple. Please can everyone be aware that there is a two free drink limit at the bar. You got given your tokens when you came in, so use them wisely. There is a liquor store just to the left of the hotel car park. So you can always sneak in a bottle of voddy once the music starts and once they’ve done their fucking pre-rehearsed first dance and pushed cake into each other’s faces. Why do people do that? I dunno. Anyway, to the happy couple.”