HOLLYWOOD – As the world prepares for a new Spider-Man to be unveiled in Captain America: Civil War, the Studio Exec has been granted an EXCLUSIVE peek into the Retirement Home for Former Spider-Men.

Tom Holland as the new Spider-Man is already drawing rave reviews from the early buzz surrounding Captain America: Civil War,  but what awaits the young actor when his tenure as Marvel’s favorite web-slinger is through. We went inside the quiet sleepy confines of the Retirement Home for Former Spider-Men to find out. Situated in Daytona Beach, Florida, the complex covers over a hundred acres of plush grassland. The building itself is modest enough with no outside indication of the Peter Parkers who roam the rec-rooms and shuffle board courts.

Nurse Jackie Pertite showed us around:

We have all the mod cons as well as a full time nursing staff to take care of our residents. Tobey Maguire is here somewhere. He tends to go to the climbing wall. Once those boys have a go, it’s just the dickens getting them to come down.

But Tobey Maguire is still a working actor?

Bless you for saying that. Bless you. If we see him, be sure and say that. He’ll love you. Tell him you loved The Great Gatsby and you’ll have a friend for life, but don’t mention Spider-Man 3.

We did see Tobey later but he was too intent on traversing a particularly difficult crack.  Andrew Garfield was sitting looking at his own reflection in a dead television. Coloring in a coloring book at his feet was a child of about nine. ‘Who’s that?’ I asked the nurse.

Oh that’s Max Charles. He played Young Peter Parker in The Amazing Spider-Man. Strictly speaking he shouldn’t be here, but once his Spidey senses start tingling we can’t keep him away with a baseball bat.

In the bingo room, I was surprised to see Neil Patrick Harris. ‘Voice artist in the animated series,’ Nurse Pertite whispered.

Just then the food came in and I excused myself. The diet of the retired Spider-Men is almost entirely insect in nature and I had neither the stomache nor the inclination to witness what was to happen next. In the peaceful glades and the balmy climate of South Florida it isn’t difficult to see these former heroes at their rest. And as I passed a door i noted wistfully that it already had a name plate. Tom Holland, it read. It won’t be long now Tom, I thought. It won’t be long now.

Captain America: Civil War stars Tom Holland as Spider-Man.


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  1. Hey there. Just wanted to throw you an e-mail and say, that’s my photo-manipulation of old Spider-man.

    You’ve used it without my permission, and without proper credit. What’s nice is that someone has poorly composited him into another image further adding insult to injury.

    1. I’m sorry John. I’d be happy to add a credit line at the end of the story if you like. Otherwise I’ll remove the image completely if you prefer. The sarcasm was a little hurtful though.

      1. I in general default to sarcasm.. when I stumble upon my work… taken without my permission. I appreciate that you guys like my work enough to take it….(you’re not the first) But It makes me upset none-the-less.

        My choice in descriptive words in regards to whomever doctored the above composite was a knee jerk reaction because I was angry due to the use of my artwork without my knowledge.

        It should however be pointed out to whomever did it….that their edges need work. I would point out the doctor’s hands. There’s an obvious kick light on Spidey’s camera right shoulder, yet the hand is flatly lit. That hand is also not casting a drop shadow onto his shoulder. The fingers on the doctor’s right hand disappear unconvincingly behind his arm, they should continue past the boundary of the sleeve to appear as if they are wrapped around. Lighting and contrast are kind of all over the place, drop shadows are a problem… etc.

        So, my comment while hurtful… were not entirely without merit. (I do not take photoshop lightly.)

        In future, if you need something like this done, you might consider asking the artist who’s work you want to use if you can use it. And if it needs to be modified, ask. They might be more receptive than you think.

        For now, Bygones. Use it with my permission. But credit me.

        And if you need a composite like this again.. ask me… I might be able to help.

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