ERIC ROBERTS SMASHES JULIA ROBERTS’ OSCAR BY ‘ACCIDENT’

HOLLYWOOD – Sources confirm ‘actor’ Eric Roberts stormed into Crystal Memories (a trophy and corporate award store) brandishing a severely maimed Oscar statue and demanding assistance.

Manny Tanowich, who was in the store to take advantage of a pack of six trophy deal for employees at his telemarketing company, reported the strange scene that followed.

At first I thought it was a robbery. There’s some sweet workmanship in this store, the place just glows with trophy regalia, it’s intoxicating. I could see how someone could be driven mad by the sheer majesty of the awards on offer. Where was I?

Eric Roberts?

YES! So he runs in, covered in sweat, breathing heavily, shouting for help. I thought he had an injured baby or something. He was cradling the Oscar in a sheet, holding it real tight. Only when the assistant came over and he laid it gently on the counter, did I get a glimpse of the full scale of the damage. God, it was horrible. Nothing prepares you for seeing something like this up close, you know? 

What kind of damage are we talking about here?

The head was clean off and there was a … this is hard to talk about.

Take your time.

Could I have a glass of water? Thanks. The crotch, there was something, I couldn’t make it out at first but I stepped closer…I could see the sweat trickling down Roberts’ neck. Anyway I leaned over just as Roberts was talking about it being a ‘complete accident’ and that he was just ‘goofing around’ and dropped the statue. I gotta say, the assistant was pretty blunt, but that’s the trophy trade for you. He points out the serration around the neck could only come about as a result of some kind of  sawing action and that there’s no way the crude papier-maché penis could magically mold and super-glue itself to the otherwise sexless crotch of the statue. Roberts really broke down at that point, babbling, incoherently, talking about a display cabinet that has a novelty mirror in which is painted the flowing main of his sister so that if you look at the Oscar, you only ever see your own face crowned in Julia Roberts trademark curls. He said he’s been having nightmares about it for years and something ‘just snapped’…that he waited until his sister was out of town before breaking in…I don’t know if I should be talking about this.

Don’t worry Manny, it’s just us. This won’t go any further.

Thanks, I’m just so shaken… Crystal Memories has always been a big part of my life, I swing by at least twice a week, even if I don’t have any immediate award needs. It’s just the buzz, the atmosphere, the smell of gold plating on felt.

You know the owners pretty well huh?

Yes, they’re like family to me. They make all the trophies for my kids; spelling, soccer, crotchet…anything they excel at.

They got security cameras in there I guess?

It’s Crystal Memories! They have the BEST security cameras.

Maybe if we could see that tape…wait a sec, let’s close the door.

I suppose I could get hold of it…for a price.

How does a ‘Prestige class’ Grecian Mistress statuette with 10 inch mock marble base sound? They’re only available by mail order at the moment…supposed to be next summer collection! and I can get anything you want written on it…we can do it all online right now.

Oh God, oh baby, baby…aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

What the …? did you just…? Aw, JESUS MANNY!

THE ERIC ROBERTS BREAKDOWN IS NOW AVAILABLE ON YOUTUBE.


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