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Monday 21 October 2019
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EMPIRE TO BUILD JUST ‘ONE MORE DEATH STAR’

EMPIRE TO BUILD JUST ‘ONE MORE DEATH STAR’

HOLLYWOOD – The Galactic Empire – AKA the First Order – has revealed plans to build ‘just one more Death Star’ in the hope that this time it will survive more than a week.

A planet destroying battle station is a powerful weapon indeed, and the Galactic Empire have spent trillions of dollars building three versions. The first one was destroyed almost forty years ago by the Rebel Alliance when a previously unsuspected Exhaust Port proved a complete liability. Death Star expert Xavier Poulis told the Studio Exec:

There was a lot of finger pointing when the first Death Star was blown up but really no one could see that coming and a battle station which is the size of a small moon needs somewhere to vent. You can’t just seal it hermetically and hope for the best. Yes, in retrospect a kind of shell or net would have been a good idea, but seriously we thought people would be so scared they’d be too busy flying in the other direction.

The second Death Star wasn’t even constructed when it too was destroyed. Poulis again:

Here I don’t think anyone per se was to blame. The Emperor had pushed ahead on the weapons front so that it was fully operational, meaning it could fire its weapons. But it wasn’t yet completely built. Ironically the exhaust port was covered in armor this time and guarded with massive cannons. But as the shell of the station hadn’t been completed the Rebel ships could just fly right in and blow up the power core with not much ado.

The third battle station was the giant Star Killer. General Hux spoke to the Studio Exec about this station:

We’re still pretty gutted about the Star Killer. Honestly I thought we’d covered our bases. First of all we established it on a planet so we cut down significantly on construction and labor costs. And because now we are an environmentally conscious Galactic Empire we used solar energy as our power source. No more dirty nuclear waste. When we blow up planets now, we do so cleanly and responsibly. So when the rebels once more managed to find a way to destroy we were all very, very upset. Many people think the First Order don’t have feelings, but I can tell you that ruined a lot of people’s Christmases. Lord Snoke tried to get everyone to cheer up doing Wookie impersonations but it was more sad than it was funny.

 And yet you plan to build another one.

We’re going to try one last time. The thing is when we do get it right the results are amazing. Just ask anyone who was on Alderaan. Or don’t! Ha ha ha. So is it a risk? Yes, but the Galactic Empire is all about living on the risk. Thinking outside of the box. What do they expect us to do having destroyed three of our battle stations already? Not build another obviously. But then we don’t do that. I read the Steve Jobs biography over the new Year to cheer me up and I think his do the unexpected philosophy ‘Think different’ is very much aligned with what we’re trying to do. Look, we call ourselves the First Order, even though it’s obvious we’re the second. That’s all you need to know.

The Death Star 4 will be open for business sometime in 2018.

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