dwayne johnson

HOLLYWOOD – Dwayne Johnson (also known as The Rock) has been fired from his position as emergency rescuer and helicopter pilot, following his actions during the recent San Andreas earthquake, lightly fictionalized in the movie San Andreas.

A letter from the Los Angeles Emergency Rescue Team has come into the possession of the Studio Exec notifying Dwayne Johnson (or The Rock) of the termination of his employment. Here it is in full:

Dear Mr. Johnson,

It pains me to have to write this letter, but given your actions last Thursday I believe I have no other option but to do so and to herewith terminate your employment with the Los Angeles Emergency Rescue Team, effective immediately. Although I believe our reasons are obvious for the sake of clarity I will spell them out. First of all, can I tell you how much we have esteemed your work in the past. You have roughly four hundred certified rescues, according to a TV reporter Ms. Exposito, and only the other day you rescued a girl from her trapped car as it dangled halfway down a ravine, at great personal risk and, I might add, great risk to the five people in or around the helicopter, but that’s by the by. You did your job and you did it well. It is no exaggeration to say that you are considered something of a hero around these parts and all your team look up to you. And this is why it astounds me that when first the Hoover Dam burst, causing a massive loss of life and then a giant earthquake hit Los Angeles, you chose to take what can only be described as ‘a family day’. Thousands if not tens of thousands of people, if not million were in a state of immediate distress and danger and required the services of our whole team, but you – a key member – stole a helicopter and went to rescue your estranged wife from the top of a skyscraper in downtown LA. You were upset, it was on your way, we understand.

But then on hearing that your daughter was trapped in a car in San Francisco, you decided that the resources at your disposal would be spent on a trip up north to rescue her, even though you had a GODDAMN radio and a network of professional rescuers, who you knew from years of working side by side, who would ahve been more than happy to go and get your daughter and leave you to attend to your duties closer to home. I don’t want to suggest that you saw an opportunity to get back in the good books with the missus, but it can’t have been a million miles from your thinking. All the time that seismologist from Cal Tech, Dr. Discovery Channel, is giving valuable information via some nonsensical hacking situation which didn’t seem that necessary, but I digress. It bothers me. But anyway…

Heading to San Francisco with a bird’s eye view of the devastation you don’t have any second thoughts, nor do you contact your own crew who have now been grounded waiting two hours for you to turn up. Which is also rude, actually. When technical malfunctions force you to land the helicopter you don’t land in the fields but aim for a crowded shopping mall car park. It’s almost as if you want to hurt people, which – I don’t have to remind you – is actually the opposite of your job description. So you make your way to San Francisco and there’s another big earthquake and a tsunami which you avoid by aiming for in a motor boat. If you refer to page 132 of your Emergency Handbook, in the chapter entitled Tsunamis and How to Survive Them it says nothing about aiming directly for them. And I’ve read the footnotes.

The city flooded, thousands perhaps even millions dead or dying, do you finally decide to use your professional skills to help other people? No, you and your newly amorous wife tool around at full speed looking for your daughter, regardless of the injured people bobbing in the water. Why are you driving so fast? You don’t know where she is. You could go past her or even be looking in the wrong direction while they bang on the glass behind you, making you look like a complete dolt!

Okay, so you saved your daughter and that’s especially important because you already failed to rescue your other daughter and having two of your daughters drown and you are rescuer… well, it’s kind of embarrassing. So that’s good. And we’re happy. But what about all the other people you could have saved and you didn’t. Other than the daughter, you saved one black girl on a bike. Jesus Christ, Dr. Discovery Channel’s dead Asian pal did just as good and he can’t even swim. So Dwayne, I’m sorry but you’re going to have to consider this the end with us. It is a pity that it should end like this but this kind of dereliction of duty at such a moment in California’s history cannot go unnoticed and unpunished.

I wish you all the luck in the world in what ever else you wish to do and I am glad that your busty daughter survived.

Yours Sincerely,

Glenn (Manager)

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