HOLLYWOOD – Phil Robertson – former bass player for ZZ Top (I think) – made his money with a device that gets dumb animals to fly towards it so other dumb animals can blow them away with rifles.

And following a GQ profile in which Mr. Robertson stated that a woman’s vagina is roomier than a man’s asshole, A&E – the network responsible for the quality TV that is Duck Dynasty – suspended him, presumably so he could sit on the naughty step and think about what he’d done. As if responding to some giant Duck Commander, tens of thousands of committed Christians have honked into sight and – following the example of Jesus Christ – died for our sins signed an online petition: Sean Hannity has honked loudest and honk honk honk honk.

So it is left to Studio Exec to ask: 

  • seriously, who gives a f*ck? 
  • And more importantly, what is Dr. Phil’s opinion on women’s assholes? 
  • Do we really give a shit about sex advice from a man who seems to have grown his own contraception on the front of his face? 
  • Since when do we start calling families ‘clans’ and fathers ‘patriarchs’? 
  • Is Phil Robertson a member of the Russian Orthodox church? 
  • Will Vladimir Putin offer Phil asylum along with Edward Snowden but most certainly not Chelsea Manning?
  • Might Alec Baldwin and Phil Robertson star in a new stage version of The Birdcage?
  • Why do I feel sorry for ducks all of a sudden?
  • Is Sean Hannity really a man?

If anyone has the answers to these questions or anymore they’d like to suggest, please feel free to leave a comment.

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