DONALD TRUMP VOWS TO CONTROL THE SPICE MELANGE
WASHINGTON – Donald Trump has sent shock waves through the political establishment by swearing to take complete control of the Spice Melange and by extension the ability to navigate the known universe.
We have got used to Donald Trump’s shock and awe political campaign but today he came out with perhaps the biggest pronouncement so far of the presumptive Republican nominee for president: to control the Spice Melange.
Speaking at a rally in Arkansas, Mr. Trump said:
Everyone’s talking about the oil. The oil. We need oil. And then there’s all the climate change hysterics talking about renewables, but one of these bozos know how the world works the way I do. What we as a country have to understand is that whoever controls the Spice, controls the universe. With the Spice the Navigators Guild will bow to our every demand and the Galactic Empire will become the US Empire. It’ll be beautiful. And so it is for this reason that on my first day in office I will be ordering the invasion of Arakis and the taking of the Spice. Let’s make Arakis great again!
The statement increased suspicion that Mr. Trump’s campaign was being unduly influenced by his Harkonnen family ties. A visibly angry President Obama took the unusual decision to intervene in the ongoing electoral campaign:
Everybody knows that the planet Arakis has been controlled by the Atreides family for as long as we can remember. And Mr. Trump believes that we’re just going to waltz in and take it away from him? How? With what? We don’t have any interplanetary space ships. We can’t ride sand worms. The Fremen our hostile to our intentions. So how is this going to happen? And if he thinks that we haven’t thought about it, then he is sorely mistaken.
The President went on to address some of Mr. Trump’s criticisms of his own policy and language:
And let me say this. His continued insistence that I use the word Dune when describing Arakis is doing more damage to our relations with the rest of the Galaxy than anything else he has come out with so far.
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