LONDON – Doctor WhoSvengali Steven Moffat has confirmed he has abandoned work on a spin-off of the popular BBC science fiction series.

“We tried to do something a little different,” said a dejected Moffat.

For the last month a Tardis equipped with several secret cameras has been parked in the centre of a city in the North of England called Kingston Upon Hull. We left it unlocked so any passer by could enter and use it and we assumed we’d get lots of children, families and amateur actors pretending to be the Doctor and putting on their own mini shows but of course, in hindsight, that was incredibly naïve bordering on stupid.

Moffat went on to describe some of the footage recorded by the Tardis’ hidden cameras:

Well for the first couple of says it was mainly used as a urinal but occasionally a drunken reveller would defecate in the corner and look surprised that no loo roll had been provided. We decided that couldn’t continue so we put a sign on the door saying anyone that fouled in the Tardis would be be prosecuted. After that things started to get worse. About a dozen couples used it to engage in sexual congress, we had people doing various drugs and some homeless folks slept in there. After a few days the place was condemned by the Environmental Health Agency so we decided to move it to Kensington in London hoping people in a more affluent area would treat the box with respect. Unfortunately, it was a similar story though, to give the citizens of Kensington credit, they did bring their own scented toilet paper.

It soon became clear to Moffat that the series had no future and he decided to pull the plug but not before he managed to capture The Doctor himself paying a visit:

Tom Baker randomly turned up the night before we shipped out. It was quite moving he walked around the inside of the Tardis and carefully removed a used condom from the control panel. He seemed genuinely pleased to be back but then … Well, let’s just say the rest of the footage of his 30 minute stay would tarnish your image of him as The Doctor and you’d never want to put a Jelly Baby in your mouth again.

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