HOLLYWOOD – State Department officials admitted that they had approached high ranking officers in the Putin administration in Russia to request they also give citizenship to Adam Sandler. ‘We noticed they were giving away citizenship to people like Gerard Depardieu and we thought we’d pop the question,’ said a source from the White House. ‘We didn’t think they’d say yes and as a matter of fact, they didn’t.’

The move came as Russia became the go-to dictatorship for pampered rich actor types who didn’t want their hard earned money going to build schools and hospitals and the like. Brigitte Bardot became the latest French film icon to seek Russian citizenship, protesting at the continued existence of animal murderer Peter Jackson. ‘He kills elephants,’ the deranged actress creamed. BB will be known as Nikita ‘Like the Elton John song’ Barbushka, as she joined Gerard Depardieu in Moscow.

It has been the stated policy of this administration to get rid of Mr. Sandler as soon as we can. He represents a clear and present danger of making Jack and Jill 2. But unfortunately the Russians have seen The Waterboy and told us to withdraw the request or face retaliation. 

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