HOLLYWOOD – In a power move that would make Gordon Gecko blush, Disney secure the rights to the decade formally known as the 1980s (now to be known as The 19-Disneys).

In a Studio Exec EXCLUSIVE Disney CEO Bob Iger relates the macabre experience of negotiating with the sinister keepers of the 80s.

So Bobby boy, Bob, Mr. Iger, ahem, how does one go about purchasing the 80s? Who has the rights? 

If I had known, oh if only I had known…such is the folly of man that he must forever inquire into the world’s deep and dark secrets. The ‘Neon Decade’ has been passed from one shiny glove wearing hand to another. there were rumors that David Bowie had the rights and had them enshrined in a sarcophagus in his residence high in the Swiss Alps;  freak weather however, destroyed Bowie’s mountain and he renounced his claim of the decade shortly thereafter. Oh, if only those secrets had perished in those rocky European chasms!

How did Disney get involved?

We had agents all over the world scouting for traces of the lost ‘rights’ and eventually someone heard of a cabal called ‘The Keepers of the Dread Child’ who claimed to have the rights to the 80s in their possession and who were willing to trade for something of equally magnificent value. In my arrogance I decided to personally negotiate with these shadowy figures. Eventually, one night I found myself led blindfold down endless flights of stairs, somewhere in Iceland.

Wow! This sh*t is intense … go on.

When my blindfold was removed I found I was kneeling in front of an alter of sorts, flanked by two immense thrones. The occupiers were none other than Steve Guttenberg and Peter Gabriel. Like two titans of unimaginable antiquity they sat there regarding me with imperial indifference. I thought I was to be judged and sentenced by them, such was the magisterial air of the whole affair. Then they spoke, in unison … which was weird. Their words echoed and swirled in my mind until I was not sure whether t’was some form of telepathy, but the gist was thus; between the thrones, on the alter, under a glittering sheath lay ‘The Dread Child’; a sleeping avatar of the 1980s, preserved and peaceful, and he who hath the power to carry him up the flights of stairs was welcome to him and thus the bounty of the 80s … in addition to one final exchange of equal value … a child for a child!

Incredible! So who was the ‘Dread Child?’

Um, that weird little kid with the floppy hair from ‘The Never Ending Story’, ‘Daryl’ and ‘Cocoon’

Oh yeah, that kid, what’s his name?

Like you ever knew! Who cares? Anyway, so I had to carry the little frozen f*cker up a flight of stairs! Which I did. He’s now safely in the Disney vaults and the 80s belongs to us.

What about the final exchange? Who did they want in return and why?

May all the Gods forgive me, but they wanted the young, supple body of Tori Spelling and with that, the ownership of the 1990s which, thankfully, Disney had the rights to.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Wait, I’m confused, they wanted the ‘young’ Tori Spelling though, how does that work?

We’re Disney. We have access to … certain powers of our own, now, excuse me, I have duties to attend to. The Mouse be praised.

The 19-Disney’s will be launched this summer.

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Author: Soso Fantastico

Over yonder, having a ponder

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