Disney+ Buy Closed Cinemas

HOLLYWOOD – Disney+ buy closed cinemas across North America and Europe.

In a press conference earlier today, the mouse mafiosa announced Disney+ will buy closed cinemas, turning them into Disney+ stores.

Closed Cinemas ‘Re-educated’

The kiddies Cosa Nostra confirmed they intend to buy any cinema that has been forced to close over the last year because of the Covid19 pandemic, so they may ‘re-educate’ them into Disney+ stores. They will then sell Disney+ products and merchandise, much like Apple Stores. Customers will have to make appointments with their own ‘Mickey Consultant’ before they can buy anything.

It’s A Trap!

Disney spokesperson, Jordan Belfort confirmed, ‘Soon, every closed art-house, boutique and multiplex cinema will be re-educated into a Disney+ Wonderland Store. Any Disney+ subscriber will need to make ‘In-house Upgrades’ in order to continue to take advantage of their subscription service. They will be required to buy the appropriate merchandise if they wish to watch their favorite shows and movies. For example, if you like The Mandalorian, you WILL have to buy a Baby Yoda Grogu Collectable. Each purchase will send a code direct to your Wifi router which will unlock the show. A brand new purchase will be required for each profile on the account. None of that family code sharing crap. Mickey gotta get paid.’

This Is The Way

I put it to Jordan that this was an unfair and unethical marketing strategy that takes advantage of loyal and devoted fans. He replied, ‘Hahahahahahaha! Frankly, you’ve all bought this upon yourselves. The Disney conglomerate family were happy to just keep making millions and millions each year on kid’s stuff. You know what I mean, Cinderella, Bambi, fucking Pete’s Dragon, whatever man. But oh no. Then we got these fucking so-called adults. You know the ones. They wear film related t-shirts, even though they’re in their 40s. They’ll sit at work and tut at you if you ‘don’t get’ their latest reference to a fucking superhero film. Then actually look at you like YOU’RE the prick!’

‘They started buying our shit in droves. What else were they gonna spend their money on? It wasn’t going on dates or having their own kids, that’s for sure. They gotta fill the gaping void with something, anything that fills the silence. So they bought collectables to stop crying themselves to sleep every night. I mean, we couldn’t make this shit quick enough. They just gobbled it down like a $20 hooker. We stopped making millions and millions. We were making billions and billions man! It was beautiful. We didn’t have to lift a finger. With great money comes great power. Fuck the responsibility part. That’s Spiderman’s gig, and we don’t own him. Fucking Sony Pictures do-gooder.

That’s Chinatown

Mr Belfort then nodded to two associates at the back of the room, one dressed as Goofy, one as Daffy Duck. They removed me from the room, took me into a back alley and kicked the living shit out of me. I was pissing blood for a month. But at least while I was in traction, I was able to re-watch all the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies in Timeline Order. EXCELSIOR!

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