HOLLYWOOD – Malvin Putobis, Dentist to the Stars, lifts the lid on the pearly whites of Gary Busey.
Hi! My name is Malvin Putobis and I am Dentist to the Stars. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent inside the mouths of the rich and famous. Drilling here, polishing their, occasionally (sniff) extracting. My best pal the Studio Exec asked me if I could reveal some of the secrets about my famous clients. Immediately I said, ‘No f*cking way!’ Then he mentioned money and I said:
When Gary Busey first came into my office I said ‘it’s Xmas, or Hanukkah!’ Who cares! It’s great news. Gary has what we in the trade call ‘Table Top Joke Store Teeth’ because the upper set so closely resemble those teeth that you wind up and send across the dinner table to break the ice at parties. Point Break, Big Wednesday and various tabloids have all featured these gnashers in full throttle. It makes you feel sorry for food.
Gary needed another dentist. Rumor had it the last one had lost an arm. No one knew exactly how. I decided to have a look inside with the swanky little mirror on a pole that we dentists call ‘the mirror’. What secrets would be revealed? Well it turns out Gary had a little spinach behind there that had been there since 1989. I say spinach, it was a vegetable plot. Once that was sorted out I polished away and looked busy. Gary seemed happy enough jawing away. Mainly maligning John Wick, someone he seemed to think was real. ‘And to think I almost got wasted by that asshole!’ he concluded.
I told him to floss and he seemed happy with the work. He ran his big pink tongue over the enamel and let out a howl of something close to ecstasy.